So I'm hoping that you're going to enjoy this video a little bit more than perhaps some of the last
ones.
There's a pretty good chance some people will have found the last few videos frustrating because I'm
not just giving you an n you can take down there's not like three steps it's not long as a process you
can follow nothing like this.
Principles are principles my right.
It's like me saying to your right go and build a strong set of foundations in your front for the for
the new house you're going to go bold.
Well that's great advice.
All right.
That's obviously fantastic advice.
Why.
Because we know that the size and scale of foundations that we both in our life is going to determine
the size of the lives and the buildings that we go on to construct.
But you know what is going to be determined by you the size and the scale of the house that you want
to go into both.
Well I'm sharing with you as a principle get some strong foundations down the house that you're going
to build on the decoration and all that kind of stuff is determined by you.
All right.
What are these like principles.
But this idea here is more of the natural order of things.
So I'm hoping that this idea is this.
This concept is going to help me to tie the last three or four videos together in a way that really
makes sense for you.
So we've talked about trust we've talked about levels of trust in that last clip.
And we've talked about the questions people are asking to determine whether you can be trusted or not
are you credible Are you reliable and what level of connection you have with you either level of intimacy
and a relationship.
So please forgive me this from coming across a little bit repetitive here perceive and teacher repeat
some stuff is because it's important stuff.
All right.
The quality of our life is going to be determined by the quality of relationships that we have the quality
of the relationships that we have is going to be determined by how much trust is in the relationships
and the level of trust in the relationships that we have in our lives is going to be determined by the
levels of intimacy that we have reached with those people in our lives.
Intimacy is trust based.
Intimacy is a process.
I think in that last clip I gave reference to high rise tower block or a set of offices or something
like this.
What many people do.
Let's let's look at what happens when one girl meets boy or boy meets girl or man meets woman woman
meets man.
They've had a few glasses of vendor point correlate time or something like this and there's a little
bit of chemistry going on.
And then one of them says was love at first sight.
I just met this man in my dreams in the pub or in this bar or in this venue.
And then they go away and have a one night stand and all this kind of stuff.
Well many people do this in life.
They go from a place of attraction right into this place of intimacy and then they get married because
of both coming from a place in need and then the wonder why the relationships don't work out.
All right.
I want to share with you here a process for building strong and robust relationships.
Now yes we've already looked at the pillars so we understand the web understand that love must be in
place.
One of the pillars upon the foundation of unconditional positive regard and acceptance.
And we know that one or two people in a strong relationship must be fully responsible for each other
can't be dependency and certainly no room for co-dependency in a relationship where I need something
from you and you need something from me.
I need you to come through for me and I need you to build me up and be my rock and be my anchor.
No that's that's needy.
All right.
That's not operating in our relationships from a place of strength.
And we can't afford to let that in.
So we're coaching based relationships.
Remember responsibility breeds empowerment.
All right.
When a client comes to us or people come to us for we are here to be their rock their anchor.
That perhaps might not necessarily be us and promoting responsibility in others and encouraging other
people to take great degrees of responsibility for themselves.
Relationships start relationships and I want to share with you the coaching process in terms of the
four stages of the coaching relationship and the video that follows or maybe the one after that.
So this this idea demonstrates that there's a different stages of us building strong healthy robust
relationships.
First things first there must be attraction no attraction is always going to be selfish by nature.
All right I'm attracted to something in you.
You're attracted to something in me in the context of this course.
You were attracted to this course.
Maybe you're attracted to me because I'm quite a handsome guy.
But maybe not I'm not really too sure.
And when two people get together there's always an attraction.
All right.
When people are attracted to each other as human beings tend to be closed and shut off to each other.
That's why you're not friends with every single person that you've met over the years.
Because as those people who you're attracted to might be their character their personality their sense
of humor their physical appearance you might be attracted to how smart the person is.
You might you might be attracted to some people in the world who you've never even met because of something
about them.
What I'm seeing here is that no relationship will ever begin apart from through attraction.
All right.
Attraction is what is what draws two people together.
No many coaches and helpers and therapists out there what are they attracted to.
Many coaches and therapists are attracted to money all right.
They want more money so they'll work with anyone.
Does it matter whether they're open receptive appreciative proactive responsible or otherwise.
All right.
And many people like the money but you it's very very different for you because you here to make a difference
or if course you are.
All right.
How would make a difference is by meaningfully connecting with people.
How do we connect with people we connect with people first and foremost by operating from the foundations
of unconditional acceptance.
We've got to be a living of people to unconditionally accept them and overlook or look beyond their
imperfect attitudes and habits and actions and behaviors.
All right.
Because generally habits actions behaviors attitudes that we see the most in life is easy to judge people
by those things is difficult to unconditionally accept people and separate people from their habits
actions and behaviors.
So if we want to connect with people we've got to connect with people who they are where they are who
people actually are at the core.
We've got to be looking to purposefully see the best in people not the worst.
All right.
This is generally why many people will come to us.
They've been heartened by people in the past who did assume the worst of them.
This is the reason why they have all sorts of unhelpful worldviews and limiting beliefs and destructive
patterns of thinking only through this connection connection stage.
All right.
Let's tie in the connection stage with Drew can I trust you.
All right.
This is what's happening.
When people were connecting Are you credible.
Well I can quote Can I count on you for or can I trust you for here Are you reliable Are you consistent
for me.
Are you going to tell me the truth here or not try to just please me or keep me happy or take my money.
And this is going to determine the level of intimacy in the relationship.
All pretty much depend by your ability to adapt and adjust and build strong mature robust boundaries
in your life.
So let's go back.
It's only when two people connect and the social trust base level that acquaintance forms no.
To be honest with you as a life coach you'll find that a lot of this will happen.
And the first introduction session.
All right.
This is where I like to lead by adding as much value in people's lives as what I possibly can.
Why.
Why do I want to do this.
Well many people purposefully hold back you know to say well I can make this change in your life and
I can make that change in your life.
And once you've crossed my palm with silver then I'll share with you the seven steps to living a rewarding
and meaningful life.
And there's many life coaching training courses out there.
You know you get a free newsletter or a free e-book or something like that and then the next thing you
know you get a sold multi tens of thousands pounds with a dollars a training.
All right.
The value.
Valuable stuff always comes later.
All right.
But many people don't trust this did it.
I mean if you think about it it's quite easy to see through scams and scammers these days the Internet
has just become a playing for scam merchants.
So we're only ever really going to acquaint with people that we know we can trust.
We're only ever going to know that we can trust people who add value to our lives.
So the approach that I like to take if I'm coaching if I'm meeting people for business purposes if I
mean people in social networking contexts whatever if especially if I'm working with a group.
All right I will give as much value as much insight as what I can.
Right from the off.
I do this for a few different reasons.
First and foremost is because I want to make a difference and I might not get a second chance.
I think it was around about seven or eight years ago I started working and or had met a young Irish
guy and he left there was the Irish Guards of the Irish Rovers or something like this.
No this guy had been in prison for about two years.
I'd met with a guy.
To be honest with you I was busy at the time.
I wouldn't not.
I wasn't busy being productive.
It's just hard to fill diary and a put off meeting this guy I said I was gonna meet him.
Am I connected with a guy.
I liked his personality was a funny witty guy.
Yes.
His lifestyle habits and choices had pretty much cost him a whole lot of stuff but I genuinely wanted
to connect with him.
The problem was I ended up getting a phone call off the guy who can connect us both and he'd end up
taking a an overdose and he eats you then you die anyway you pretty much killed himself.
So I never actually had the opportunity to acquaint with him because I put off the connection.
All right.
So that's one of the main reasons why I don't put off until tomorrow things that I can look at that
I can actually do today and always prioritize people.
So when first working with the clients or first meeting a group of people I'll give as much value as
a client first and foremost because I may not get a second chance.
And the second reason it helps me to identify those who are open and receptive and appreciative you
give me some kind of killing two birds with one stone here.
You're getting quite a lot of insults in this course.
Oh yeah.
All right.
If I can see that a parachute is open receptive and appreciative then to be honest with you then I'm
going to be okay to acquaint without Harrison remember the coaching relationship works two ways.
A person can come to me and they'll say so Kane Rumsey.
So tell me why should I choose you as my life coach.
And you know I've responded and really caught people off guard and in the past and to say I'm terribly
sorry you don't get to choose me and my time is infinitely more valuable than your money.
You don't get to choose me.
I choose the clients that I work with so tell me why it is that I would choose to invest my time in
as someone like you flip on its head.
All right.
So we address arrogance and ignorance by the way.
All right.
Here's the thing stage four of any relationship is always going to be power struggle and this is when
two people just simply don't fully understand each other.
Right.
Perhaps a clash of personalities or you've got a couple of guys rubbing off each other and two guys
are figuring out where they stand with each other.
Can I trust you for I'm not quite sure I may be going to hold a little bit back and you know I'm not
quite sure if I can trust you I'll get a little bit frustrated here or perhaps with withdraw from the
relationship and to be honest with you.
This is where many relationships end.
All right.
This is where believe it or not some people never be you never move beyond the stage of a marriage power
struggle.
You know I've done relationship coaching with couples in the past who after five years of marriage they're
pretty much at the end of the rope.
They say we just are argued all the time.
We are arguing all of the time we just.
And there's never any peace.
Sometimes we might get a few hours one day but then one person wants to do this.
The other disagrees and says they want to do this and all that kind of thing.
Think about what power struggle is.
Power struggle just lives at the opposite end of the spectrum from unconditional acceptance is where
one person is trying to be above them beyond the other person in the relationship.
I want to know where I stand with you on my better than you are my lesser than you or something like
that.
Well those two perspectives those two outlooks on a relationship are never going to sustain the relationship
unless relationships are based upon a foundation of a quality then they're never going to sustain me
is it always going to be based upon hierarchy or judgment.
All right.
Now this is a little nugget.
Take a noted that one fear in your life coaching notes because I've known many practitioners in the
past coaches especially who've read all the books that got all the practices they get some clients who
say I'm a successful life coach and all the rest of it and put themselves up on this pedestal of judgment
and end up looking down on all these broken people who come to them for coaching huh.
All right.
Guess how you're going to serve a person's limiting self-defeating beliefs by taking this stance in
life my friend.
Yes.
Ahrens.
All right.
So power struggle is about getting yourself off any patch that you've put yourself on or you know getting
yourself out of any hole that you perceive yourself to be in.
All right.
And actually meeting people where they're at in life as equals it's only when two people meet somewhere
in the middle as equals that they can actually start to accept and and move forward in the relationship.
Give you an example of this.
Have been in a marriage with Karen.
No we're not seeing a wedding vows on the twenty eighth of July 2013.
See I remember the dates then Karen.
She was having a lovely time.
All right.
She was getting involved in the whole her wedding day experience.
All right.
But me I was kind of just really reflecting upon what I was actually get myself into here.
I'm reflecting upon my wedding vows.
You know in sickness and in health for richer for poorer till death do our part.
No I'm I'm kind of.
I like to define myself as being a man of integrity.
So I'm looking at this pledge of allegiance that I'm about to take to this woman say my goodness am
I going to say these words and actually mean them oh my goodness and I'm looking at me looking at my
wife to be who's you know running debate with our friends having a lovely time.
Thing she was reflecting upon the same things that I was reflecting upon but then I decided Well love
is a choice isn't it.
I can I can just feel like I'm in love with this person or I can choose to love this person regardless.
In sickness and in health for richer for poorer till death do us part.
Right.
That would certainly be a stretch of my own character and integrity.
But here's the thing.
And what I accepted in Karen before we got married was that she was imperfect.
She was flawed.
I'd accepted that she wasn't the same as me.
We've both come from completely different backgrounds.
We were nine times out of ten both see things from completely different perspectives.
We've got two very different looks and life.
I am generally very very proactive in high energy and driven.
Karen sometimes likes to just think about things and take a bit of a backseat and it doesn't send me
around the twist too much or hang about.
Yes it does.
All right.
But I guess I had to make peace with all that before.
Take him a votes so hard to get over the power struggle.
Power struggle was generally about us trying to change another person.
I want to try and change you to be more like me because if I can change you to be more like me then
I'm going to like you better.
And this is the approach that many people take in life isn't it.
And think about our relationship.
You've been in some point in the past we just felt like this other person was really controlling or
manipulative.
We'll think about what control manipulation is.
All right.
It's only ever the perspective of one person trying to make another person more like them.
All right.
And to be honest with you I couldn't have wanted anything even remotely close to this in my marriage.
Why could you imagine someone like me living and being married to someone like me.
My goodness.
It would be like absolute chaos in a family home.
So you want to find a find over the first couple of years of a relationship that you'll win current
sits back in has a little thinking day or a week or something like that.
And it actually really provokes me to slow down and just reflect and consider myself and sometimes communicate
in more effective ways and what's the old saying iron sharpens iron and in the same way people sharpen
people if two people are completely different operator two ends of the spectrum.
When we give up trying to change people or trying to control people or trying to manipulate people or
trying to forge people went to the kind of people that we think they should be or want them to be to
make us feel better within ourselves we become free to influence people.
Influence and control again live opposite ends of the spectrum.
And we only really meant to this place when we accept who a person is and also who a person is.
We don't need them or want them to be someone else for us any more is then and only then once we've
taken this stance we can start being more consistent for people.
No just we've given references to marriage.
But let's look back at the and relationship here.
Stage Six is consistency.
The question for you when the clients come through your door is how much do you need to fix them.
How much do you need them to change.
How much do you need them to be.
I know and I would come are a result for you.
How much do you need these clients to be your next success story.
Nice.
And if they are not your next success story what is going to mean about you.
Because if you need something from the coaching relationship then guess what.
The coaching relationship is more about you than it is about them.
All right.
Which means the trust is never even going to see the light of day.
All right.
We're talking some real big ideas here but principles you can build into every relationship in your
life.
Look at your marriage.
Look at your children.
Look at some of your friends.
Do you ever find yourself in this place frustration towards people.
Well if you ever find yourself in his place of frustration or you find yourself really frustrated it's
only because these are the people just aren't like you.
Or you just don't understand them yet.
Sometimes we get angry not at who people actually are but we just get angry at the assumptions that
we've made about them.
Right.
Hence a reason when our relationships are based upon a foundation of unconditional acceptance and truth
we're free to just be with people.
And that's when the consistency comes in where we're consistently just being ourselves for the other
person commitment no.
It might take some clients two or three sessions or two sessions to just commit to working with you.
Right.
Took me 18 months to commit to my life in marriage.
All right.
But what this commitment require.
Well think about it before you actually commit to working with a person in business marrying a person
you're going to spend the rest of your days with.
Gonna make a commitment don't you.
All right.
And you were only ever going to commit to people who have proved to us consistently over time that we
can trust them strong robust relationships are based upon a foundation of trust.
Trust is developed over time.
When we see other people as being reliable and consistent and that we unconditionally accept US is only
from this stage here then that we're actually qualified to enter into the level of intimacy that allows
us to start making shifts.
This is when we start to really get to know people and opinions and frustrations and all that kind of
stuff is just gone right.
Give an example and then comes marriage.
Back at the star.
I've got this.
I've got this habit.
I got this way off of kind of talking out that which is going on inside my head so I'm very very much
extroverted.
So if I have too much noise going on inside of my head I struggle the process ideas.
So how I process ideas is by talking them out.
When I talk them out I can hear myself and then work out whether what I'm saying actually makes any
sense of whether it doesn't.
And this is also true with my frustrations.
All right.
I am I engage in quite a lot of mental rehearsal.
All right so say for example someone acts or behaves or addresses me in a way that I perceive as being
quite dishonoring and I find myself getting really frustrated towards someone.
Well obviously I am responsible for my emotions so the last thing I want to do is react and fight fire
with fire.
So what I'll do instead I'll take a little bit of time or have mental rehearsals inside of my mind.
And sometimes in the shower or I'll be having a conversation with Karen and I'll be I work in this mental
rehearsal sometimes with Karen though in the early stages of our relationship before she come to understand
me.
All right.
Karen would take offense at my anger being worked.
Karen would personify and assume or think or fear that I was directing my anger towards her but I wasn't
what I was actually doing was just I work in the anger inside of my mind through mental rehearsal so
I would I would I might come across as being angry or frustrated to Karen but the anger wasn't directed
to her right.
From my perspective I was I was committed to current.
We were married and I was confident that I could trust her to be unconditionally accepting of me.
Hence the reason I trusted her to share my mental rehearsals and are in our company to Karen a couple
of years to get this.
But in fairness I didn't explain at the current either because back then I wasn't able to articulate
in the way that I am right now in the same way our clients are never going to open up.
All right free from boundaries and self preservation until we can see that we are 100 percent there
for them so we can take this idea and we can apply in whatever area of life we want to in our coaching
relationships and our marriage and the relationships we have with our children.
Trust cannot be expected.
It cannot be commanded it cannot be ordered when someone says to you you you can trust me or you will
trust me or you will respect me or anything like that.
None none none.
Does it work like that trust is developed over a process of time when one person is able to seed another
person is consistent for them.
Are you with me.
So don't go jumping into bed with clients.
It goes without saying.
Instead go through these eight stages of relationship so why so you earned the right to speak into people's
lives and positively influence them.
Hope be found these ideas helpful and I look forward to seeing you again in the next clip.